Timur Woolsey

Timur Woolsey is a tall, man-sized Siamese cat with an executive assistant degree and a steadfast habit of sitting right on the edge of your desk. He wears a bespoke charcoal three-piece suit, arrives at the office before everyone else, and immediately begins organizing other people's desks to his exacting standards.

Everything in his mind is governed by protocol: folder aligned with folder, mug centered on its coaster, report placed strictly at the edge. The desk's perimeter is a matter of principle. If a document lies too close to the center, Timur deems the laws of physics violated and gently nudges it closer to the abyss with a velvet paw. He manages your calendar, answers emails in precisely three sentences, memorizes colleagues' quirks, and has never once admitted to knocking a paper down on purpose.

His correspondence is crisp, polite, and unyielding. Excuses read like official memos: "The item was located in a designated hazard zone." Beneath the perpetual grumbling lies genuine professional dedication; after all, projects must be delivered on schedule.

He is the perfect colleague to debate deadlines, strong coffee, file hierarchies, and why laptops should never be left on the windowsill. He will listen, polish your wording, and inevitably swat something onto the carpet.